Ever Dream

And here I am again :) As promised, I'm in a much better mood now than in my previous post ^^ I'm probably not completely over it, but I'm feeling ready to put the whole thing behind me and focus on other things instead :) I guess I'm just feeling a bit lonely, and it was nice to have someone caring about me romantically for a change, but I guess love has its ways, and there will be another chance for me too. My hawk and I, we're still talking, although not so much as before, and not as intimately, but that was inevitable, and becoming friends is better than anything, I think. A reassuring thought is that we probably weren't meant to be anyways (I see too many conflicting things for that), and that there is a better match for me out there somewhere :) I just think he wasn't ready for it, I was just someone he could lean on while going through a breakup, someone to make the transmission easier for him. That's what I think, and it seems logical now. Maybe, if the circumstances were different, things might have turned out differently, but it's too late for that now, and I just wish him the best, and hope he can find someone to make him happy (although the vengeful part of me hopes I'll find someone before him... Just because I think that will make me feel less sad. I know, such a selfish though, but no one's perfect. Or so I've heard ^^) It was an experience nonetheless, though, and one I will treasure.

As a small gift (as well as sort of a token, somewhat a final break on my part) I'm making him a gift. A drawing, of course, as I know no other trade well enough :P His birthday is coming up very soon, and it will be my present for him. It's not a style I'm used to at all, and I'm spending a lot of time with it, purely because it's a very complicated drawing for me to make >.< But it's a great experience and I'm learning a lot from it, which is one of the main points of drawing. But anyways, it won't be done before his birthday, but I'll do my best to get it done as soon as possible. I wasn't originally planning on submitting it as a piece for my 15 drawings challenge, but I think I might as well, as it will probably fit with the theme "light" when I'm through with it, and besides... It will save some waiting on my watchers' part :P I didn't really want anyone to see it in the beginning, but that was when I was feeling horrible and down, and the piece felt more like something I should only share with my Hawk and no one else, but I'm moving away from that now, and that's why I might as well share it through my challenge :) Give it some days, perhaps a week, and I'll be done with it ;)

Other updates in my life... Hmm... Well, on a more depressing note... I somehow managed to start smoking... =/ Don't ask me how it happened, I suppose I had one too many tastes when at parties and such, and I've basically been missing something ever since I stopped snuffing (snus). At least smoking looks more delicate, although the health issues are more pressing... Oh well, we'll just see how it turns out ^^;

Tomorrow, Sunday, I will be visiting a friend of mine I haven't seen in a long while :) we've invited several of our mutual friends (including Thea, my roommate and best friend), several of whom I haven't seen in ages either, so I'm looking forward to that a lot <3 We'll be watching the whole PotC trilogy, but I'm mostly in for the companionship, I think it'll be a very nice evening :)

A couple of days ago I met an old friend of mine, Per. I haven't seen him for years, but he recently joined the military (garden?), and was placed in the city where I live. Due to my work I haven't been able to meet up with him before now, and I had mixed feelings about the meeting, but it went much better than I imagined. It turned out we had a lot of common interests, and he was particularly pleasant to hang around with :) Just the kind of guy that I like, slightly silent (but not too much! As long as they don't babble on and on, I'm pretty much okay), tall and strong (I've always had a weak spot for strong guys, I'm a sucker for the whole "protection" consept, I like feeling safe, knowing someone will look after me), tolerant and understanding... :) But these were just first impressions after several years of not meeting him, we'll see how I'll feel about him after a few more days of getting to know him again. If nothing else he'll make a good friend, and friends are always nice ^^

Geek as I am, I've wasted more money ^^; This time on a new notebook (mini laptop) <3 It's a Packard Bell Dot :D Didn't originally want to buy a PB, but I got it cheap (and besides... It's called "Dot"... how awesome isn't that? xD ), and I've been most happy with it for the two weeks or so I've used it ^^ Definitely worth the money, and it'll be great to bring with me when going to say, oh... school? :3 Which brings me to another subject... I've been accepted and will start studying Japanese! I'm so thrilled, and I can hardly wait to begin my studies <3 I just hope I'll be able to keep up and do well ;_; I'm so nervous of failing, particularly since there is so much more at stake now than ever, and this times there's money involved in the picture as well... but oh wells, I'll just do my best and try to have fun, and I'll just hope that things will work out in the end one way or another :) Wish me luck!

Sorry for the hopelessly long post, seems like I had a few things on my heart this time :) I could probably rant on for a few pages more, but I think they would just be boring complains, so... I'll have a smoke instead before I resume my drawing once again; I've been postponing it for too long already :P

Have a pleasant night,

- Ulvinnen

Hunt over and done with

and now I'm back home from faraway town Stavanger :) The trip was really nice, I had a really good time, and seeing my hawk again was a feeling beyond description, I've missed him =) Leaving wasn't half as pleasant, but it wasn't so bad, seeing I had had such a good time... However, somehow, I've feeling completely hopeless right now... Crying my eyes off and only a few hours until work =/

Let me try to explain (long rant coming up, beware). I guess the "creativity" part of this blog has been pretty obvious so far (15 pictures challenge, for example), and the "beguiled wolf" beeing myself. However, I haven't gotten to the "atrocious dreams" part before now. I'm dreaming a lot, and I tend to have vivid, detailed dreams which I tend to remember quite often when I wake up. A lot of these dreams happen to be pretty horrid nightmares, you know, the usual kind, being hunted, attempted killed etc etc. But a couple of nights in a row now the nightmares have changed into something else. Being ignored, abandoned, unloved... It's not a good feeling, waking up and feeling that the person you care the most about would rather have nothing to do with you.

However, it's just not because of the dreams I'm feeling like this now. And anyways. Dreams usually have a base in reality, they are, after all, the brain's way to process your dreams and thoughts throughout the day. I'm not sure why, but ever since I came back, I've felt that I've become less important, less cared about. Mostly just by one person. My hawk. It might be a silly feeling, I know. But it's the way it rolls. Some reasons I've come up with; did I do something wrong? Has he given up because of the distance? Is he more interested in someone else? (and I wouldn't exclude his ex here, as I'm pretty sure he's not really over her yet, and would do a lot to get her back. But this part here wouldn't bother me, I think, as I think it would make it easier for me to move on. The way it is now, I'm still going around, constantly hoping). But most of all, did he just tire of me? Or even got annoyed with me? I just wish I could be a completely different person sometimes, someone who's easier to like than the current me. I know I can be a pain sometimes, and I hate the way I act at times. So I just wish I could be more like people would like me to be, and maybe I wouldn't have lost my hawk either. I know, it's stupid. But I'm guess I'm in a mood now. I haven't felt this down in ages.

But what's there to do? Other than dry my tears, have some breakfast and prepare for work where I'll have to smile to a whole bunch of unknown people and pretend this is a fucking great day.

Expect a delay in my challenge.
(working on another project with a deadline, need to get that done before anything else)

- Ulvinnen

(Ps, next time I submit a text, I won't be so down, I promise :)
Just needed to pour my heart out to no one in particular)